Shop Forum More Submit  Join Login
Physical Complexity of Color by sumalangitnawa Physical Complexity of Color by sumalangitnawa
sim desktop. my computer is too primitive to let me save my desktop as jpg. wait it's not even my computer. haha. to be young and broke.
Add a Comment:
kervansaray Featured By Owner Apr 4, 2002
i looked for you after freeing myself from my last responsibility. i felt your absence the most. there was not a single barrier inbetween. the whirling wind with no mind had more discrete direction to go towards than i did. i couldn't find you, i couldn't find the way to you... i know it is a terrible paradox. i know i wouldn't fall in love with you if you never died. i would have left if you had lived. what can you do... so long babe.
kervansaray Featured By Owner Mar 14, 2002
Hey babe, what's going on?
I was at basketball, but this time I didn't impress myself. I don't know, this was the first time I played since the last time (duh, ha, ha, ha). I wasn't in the mood that much. My roomies - three of them - all wanted to play, and it is a rare occasion to have 4 of us toghether, you know how it is in the house. So even though I had a lot to do, and I didn't really feel like playing I went. Just because I could. I didn't want to miss the opportunity. Hell with the school. It seems like that is the only place where I can get as many chances as I want. Today I wanted to inhale your voice many times. I wanted to taste your day, and hear your hair in my ear. I wanted to watch your thoughts. I wanted to swim in your anecdotes, I wanted your voice to fill up my ears, and run up my nose, flood my lungs. I wanted to sink in your smell, bathe with your smile, drown in your gaze. I wanted to gag with your stories, and get bloated with your expressions. I wanted you a lot today. But it's ok, I can wait until tomorrow, or until Friday. Whenever you are done with your paper.
kervansaray Featured By Owner Mar 14, 2002
This is my email to my Bjork today (I thought you should know)...
Before everything, I want to write before forgetting, that your emails make a difference. It is the nicest to know that I will hang out with my friends again. I talked to my ex-roommate from Kansas. We did a lot together in our freshman and sophomore years. We haven't heard from each other for almost 2 years. Even talking for a little while was really nice. I talked to another friend the other night. A girl studying in NYork, her mother and aunt are good friends with my mom and aunts, and I camp with her brother, etc...
Being in touch with people is really nice. I thought I rather liked being alone, but I think it is "having my space, doing my own thing" as they call it. Not living in isolation. I don't know. Recently I don't want to know anything. I don't have any principles, I don't have ideas, I don't have beliefs. I don't have values. I don't have self-confidence.


I have thought about this compiler stuff, as in 'where did the first computer come from to build the more complicated computers?' But it must be similar to 'where did the first man and woman come from?' I don't have any further thoughts on it though.


>Aren't you blaming yourself a little too easily?
No, maybe not. If she had stronger hopes, (assuming that she agreed to die) wouldn't she have avoided dying?

It is possible that she agreed to die because, a will was found with her body. A small book titled the will, on its pages the necessary titles with blank spaces to fill out. I saw the photocopies of the pages (did I write you this already?) partly soaked with blood. It was partly filled out. But it wasn't half-done, she skipped a lot of categories, but she reached the end. Which was,

Tubi, I love you

4:35 am

(They said the 911 call was made at 4:22 am)
My guess is that he got tired of talking or lingering, and he called 911 to show her that he is really going to do it, and that he is going to do it in the next 5 minutes. Then she started to fill out the will. I can tell from her handwriting and phrases that she rushed.
She was found sitting on the floor and resting against partly the closet and partly the cabinets. The 2 bullet holes were 2/3 foot from the floor, on the side of the closet, where it joins the cabinets. Very close to each other and angled down, so I guess she was sitting before she was shot, she didn't want to fall down probably. And you can tell from the angles of the holes that the shots came from above.
By looking at the guys bullet hole, I can see that after he shot her, he pointed the gun on the right side of his head and shot himself. The bullet hole was in the ceiling, about 2 meters away from where he was standing. The reason for them being in that part of the room was obvious when I stood where he was standing. It was right in front of the mirror. I would have done the same. I would want to see myself in the mirror. Mari was facing away from the mirror, and I can understand that too, she didn't like to see blood. She had told me that she would faint when she saw her own blood.
Also, she knew that he got a gun. I don't know if she knew that he had it with him that day.
Another thing is that she didn't get along with her family. Only one cousin she genuinely loved. And one great aunt. She didn't have any friends from school. She had two friends she liked and met occasionally, one got married last summer. The other few good friends were all overseas.
And look what she wrote: (I found these on her computer in the office):

[quick background: my small bed is against the white stucco wall, and it used to get cold in winter in my room]


Fear, seep in here
see, i face the white wall
stucco roughness against my knee
shivering from lost heat
stifling, faking a cough or two
to hide my silent wail

regress me, Fear
i said i wasn't afraid of anything
and something tells me
i better be
i shove order, with irresponsible betrayal
with lies that hide beneath the supernate
that once repulsed me
i lie

there is no love here
maybe only delusion
mistakes on the verge of bloom
regrets on the other side of doom
and in this room
i fill
i empty
i don't exist

Fear, Seep in Here
dec 2 2001

And then this one:

tell me, tell me
tell me you won't leave
you've passed through my soul's
finest sieve
tell me, tell me
i know that you can't stay
but do tell, tell me anyway
tell me you won't leave

i tug at your sleeve
where your heart is hid
mine wasn't up for it
yet somehow you raised the bid
then these lines are born
they are filled with corn
tell me you won't leave

And this is her last email to me (4 days before she died):

beats beets
flowers on my tongue
blossom into song
melody malady
fine-grained mahogany
safely nestled
in a branching
rapt raft
clamped onto the damp
river quiver
as i release
our magic fish
into the deep tumble
of distance

quiver of my lips, whorls of your hair


I knew to a certain extent that she was feeling strongly about me, but I treated her not so 'sweet' as I wrote yesterday (so that she wouldn't get too attached).

>this kind of thing. You did as you felt right, that is
>the mark of an honest man.

Yes, mark of an honest man with inhibitions, constrained thoughts / beliefs... If I had a healthier mind I would have chosen her. My plan was to go back to Cyprus see what I can find from the local girls - because I prefered someone Cypriot, and then if there was nothing I would consider her, depending on where life takes me. And this is what I told her except 'finding a girl' part. But one can tell. If someone asked me the likelihood of deciding on her in the future, my answer would be 'unlikely'. Because it is likely that I will find one, I find girls, I am flexible. I now see that she would have been perfect. I would have loved her all my life. But I know I wouldn't feel this if she didn't die. I was too constrained or for whatever reason, I didn't have enough wits or whatever it takes to fall in love with her.

And with Hjordis, I don't know what would be the solution. That is essentially what Mari had. The ex-boy told her that if she didn't marry him he would commit to suicide. Ulviye said probably he was going to do it, and Mari told him "you will have to kill me too". I don't know.
What the hell is wrong with these heartbroken people? I am still heartbroken from Elif, it was 6-7 years ago. On January 21st, the same hours Mari died, I was trying to call Elif (that's another thing that is eating me up). I couldn't reach her, but even if she becomes a whore, I won't kill anyone, not me, not her, noone.
It frustrates me so much.

I tried to call Elif on that day because the last time I talked to her was January the 20th 2001. Exactly one year ago, when I heard that she had a car accident.

What happened to Hjordis?

>Sorry about all the bullshit from me,

How is the bullshit aforwritten? It counterpoises yours for sure.
But no, I value your writings, and they are well put, and have the power to move me in good directions.


I am your inspiration? Well, that's nice. I am glad I can touch you like that. (Ehhehe not like "that"). No, really. I didn't know. I am glad. It is already 'huge' in my life all starting with waking up to those german cats catching legs and feet under blankets.
Remember? The first morning in the tent?...

>Monday food -- mundane food.
That's interesting. Monday food. I don't know any custom like that. Maybe kebap on Sunday in Cyprus. But it is not that specific. And boiled haddock and potato? What's the origin?

I am sorry man, so long email. I should be working on my presentation. But I think this is more important. So I didn't refrain from doing this. Not anymore. I think I will change a lot after this school is over, in 4 weeks that is.
Be well, and, let live peacefully.
Well, now you know everything. At least I know I made it available to you, as much as I can.
I wish I had had what it took.
kervansaray Featured By Owner Mar 10, 2002
Ok, I can't stay away from you. Let's 'bury the hatchets'. One day is long enough.
A song (Eylul'de Gel - Come in September) reminded me of this beach front restaurant in Cyprus. It is in a very small, very ignored village on the North Coast (Vasilya). I was there once 3-4 years ago. The restaurant sits on a 20 ft high cliff right above the surf. Has a clean well-lit wide open terrace. The other 10 tables empty. One light bulb at the end of a bare electric cable hangs above. No menu, no table-cloth, no credit cards, no fake smiles. Simple - fish, lemon, fries, salad, beer or ayran. What else? No, no appetizers. They bring all dishes altogether. Very quiet, just waves splashing at the foot of the cliff, only the Mediterranean between you and the sunset. You would like it. No, no seagulls. I don't know why. I could hypothesize. You could try to order in Turkish. You could have told me how much you liked it. And talk about your re-defined tan line, and the kids you played with, I would tease you for how you 'didn't stand out' playing with them. I wonder what you would say for the Turkish Lira... Colorful maybe? We would stay there for 3 hours? Three and a half? Until the mosquitos take over? We can stop at Aytunc's on the way back, and eat some karpuz. You can chat with his uncle, he lives in Australia, funny guy. We can plan the next day, what time to go to Alagadi turtles. We should have lunch with my grandmother. You should kiss her hand before touching it onto your forhead, don't forget. I can show you where I got my first lessons on chickens and pigeons, rabbits, fig, almond, olive, lemon, mandarin, date, cats!
kervansaray Featured By Owner Mar 10, 2002
I am not talking to you. I am still angry.
kervansaray Featured By Owner Mar 9, 2002
Whydidn'tyoutellme?Whydidn'tyou?Whydidn' tyoutellme?
Iamsomadatyounow.Iguessyouwerenotthatnic eofapersonafterall.Ican 'tbelieveyoudidn'ttellme.Ican'tbelieveit .Youdidn'tcare,becauseyouthoughtIdidn'tc are.YouwerewrongMari.Whatthehellwereyout hinkingWhatdidyouthinkwouldhappenandwhyd idn'tyoubemorecautioswhydidyoukeeponseei nghim.Whataboutuswhataboutglenandwhatabo utmiriamandmonicaandwhataboutauntiewhata boutgoingtomalasiayouwerewrongthistime.t hismakesmemadanditmakesmefeelbetrayedand makesithurtalotmore
kervansaray Featured By Owner Mar 4, 2002
Hey! I am going to be done sooner than I thought I would be!
Can I come over? Maybe in half an hour?
I can read the vagina monologues,
if you are not done with your readings,
or the spineless wonders
and tell you the stories.
Yes, I did, I showered after soccer... Yum!
So anyway, I'll be over there.
But wait - your bed - I saw it - in Pantheon,
dave was there too, was he lying ???
Was I dreaming?
Where are you???
Is a cousin having a birthday?
Did you go to a conference again?
It is not thanksgiving, and chrismass has just passed...
When will you be back? Anyway, I don't care,
Just call me when you are here.
Did I tell you that I didn't rent the movie afterall.
Let's wait until the break, we both have stuff to do.
Let's wait until we have more time,
Let's wait until we lose the chance.
Yes, wait, wait, but
Only wait until you have the chance.
kervansaray Featured By Owner Mar 3, 2002
I was at the ceremony yesterday. I saw the bed. I saw the table. I saw the striped box. I didn't see you. Growing up around animals, my deepest sadness was for the mother cat which has lost a kitten. She cried, she cried and tore me apart, she looked for the kitten, she meowed so sad, it poked my heart. When I go into my room in the evening and there is no message from you, I wonder: "Does she have Gamelan tonight?" or when I see the empty cubicle in the office, I wonder: "Does she have class at this hour?". Where are you babe? Where are you? You forgot your ring, it's on my desk by the bed where you left it. Can I keep it?
Do you have food today? Do you want to stop by? I can pick you up. I can pick you up and rotate you in mid-air.

So Mar i raM oS

I saw what you did! But we have to talk about it. You have hidden some surprises inside I know. What are you doing? Should we make a plan? :) (Smile)
I recorded another episode, can we watch?
Will you fall asleep again? Will you have hard time sleeping? I can pull out the elusive island book! :) (Smile)
Will you play with my hair again if I put my head in your lap?
Stay, stay at least for half an hour, I will walk you home later.
Stay little longer.
kervansaray Featured By Owner Feb 28, 2002
I wonder how you are perceiving the colors now. Is there any? Are they colors? What is your color? Do you have surface reflectance?
I went to your apartment last night. I jumped into the patio, over the wall (which amazed you every time) and sat where we watched the meteor shower that one time. An amazing halo floated around the moon. I could hear you explain the physics of it. I didn't cry this time, I didn't even get tears, or ants in my nose. The weeds are still alive. They knew you. I cherished them and they envied me for knowing you longer than they. I envied them for they contained your breath fixed in.
I looked inside and I saw the counter where your hydroponical plants used to be, and the cabinet where the bear bled honey. And the answering machine -do you still keep 'good morning beautiful'?-... "oy pare como esta!" That was your last one. The one I heard before saying: "...are you still in LA? Call me when you get back".
The carpet didn't say anything, just stood there with her eyes closed. I think she wants to keep your cold feet as her friends. All her friends are stripped off of her now. She lies and spans the floor. Thin film of air calms her down and connects her to the atmosphere.
I left about 1:22, I left you alone again... I had to go home and study. Just like now, I have to go write the References section and then the Discussion... Yeah, this degree will make me so proud, this degree will make me so damn valuable, it better, it's worth a life.
Add a Comment:

:iconsumalangitnawa: More from sumalangitnawa


Submitted on
August 20, 2001
Image Size
137 KB